Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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