I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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