Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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