I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
