I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
