I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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