my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
