Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
