Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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