I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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