2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
