I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
