if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
