i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
