I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
