So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
