Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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