In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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