I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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