Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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