so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
