You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
