We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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