i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
