nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize