I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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