I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
