you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The uberlube is also flammable
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
