dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
