how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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