Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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