If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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