I've blown a few things in my day
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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