I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
