tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
