Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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