Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
