does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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