Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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