I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
