I accidentally had phone sex last night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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