Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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