I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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