We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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