Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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