I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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