Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
