Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
