those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize