the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
