I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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