I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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