guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
