woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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