I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
