I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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