why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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