you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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